Life Unscripted

So there we have it - it’s clear, cut, and concise.  What the hell, to who?  What does that even mean?  Is there a difference between dating, a relationship, and casual sex?  According to popular definitions on the Internet, no. 

It’s no wonder why we have women hating men and men getting their way (and now days, women also - the tables have turned my friends!).  There are no boundaries when it comes to the dating world…what are you even supposed to call it? 

Hypothetical scenario goes: 
My friend John and I - we’ve been hanging out regularly for a few months.  Are we friends?  Kind of.  Are we having sex?  Yes.  Are we dating?  No.  Are we in a relationship?  No. 

What the deuce?  Who decided that this sort of “dating” was a good idea?  I will give you my ‘professional’ opinion…as a society of (as I have said before) quick fixes and I-want-it-now mentality, we like to keep our options open.  Is it a bad idea?  Most definitely.   And through this behavior, we have learned what:  when is the grass greener?  Always - until you’re actually on the other side.  Then you look back and think, “wow…my yard wasn’t so bad after all.”  What we need to keep in mind is, weeds grow in all yards and if you don’t water your grass, it’ll die.  The same thinking should hold true in relationships, dating, casual sex - whatever you feel comfortable calling it.  People will treat you how you allow them to treat you.  If you allow the weeds to get out of control, you’ll have an ugly yard.  If you don’t water your grass, it will become yellow and dry, eventually to die - the only thing to remain is your unruly weeds.  By that point, the work necessary to get your yard back to good isn’t usually worth the effort.  The point of the story is, you are in control - act like it.

“What constitues success?  She has achieved success who has lived well; laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent people and the love of little children; who has filled her niche and accomplished her task; who has left the world better than she found it;…who has never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty, or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given the best she had.”

 —Bessie Stanley

In a society of a quick fix and instant gratification, I can’t help but wonder if this is the cause of my demise and bad decisions.

 I regrettably admit that I am a free spirit.  I always want to follow my heart, even when my head tells me, “don’t do it.”  My head always says, “I told you so…”

 I always look for the good in people, no matter how many times they’ve hurt me; and I have the glimmer of hope that they will one day have the best of intentions - even when the obvious glare of hurt and failure outshine any glimmer that could possibly exist.

I am always looking for an out - whether it be a new career, a new look, a new location to reside - a change of pace, and a change of scenery…I am hiding from my own demons.

I fully believe with all of my heart that fairy-tale romance exists in real life; even though I don’t know anyone who’s found it and had it last for more than 2 weeks…I won’t give that up.

I trust rarely - I can quickly count the people I trust with my secrets or my best interest. 

My heart hurts often, and I’m not quite sure why - my life appears in perfect order.

I can’t make my own decisions - I’m scared it will be the wrong one.  I guess there’s no way to really find out -

I had read about it; but that wasn’t enough - I must try it for myself!  This was what was going through my head as I pondered becoming a fabulous yoga guru.

Off I went yesterday at 3 p.m. to Bikram’s Yoga for my 90 minute class.  90 minutes?  Sounds okay - some stretching, some weird poses, I could do that for an hour and a half.  Ha ha ha…here it goes…

Excited and nervous at the same time - I enter and meet the instructor.  She advises me to leave my shoes at the door, head into the ladies locker room if necessary, then wait in the practice room until its time to begin.  So I do.  Water bottle, yoga mat, and towel in hand - I drop my gym bag off in the locker room and proceed to enter.

I walked in to a room that is kept at a not only hot, but humid, 105 degree temperature.  Seriously?  I can hardly breathe in here and the stretching hasn’t even begun!  Okay, don’t panic, it only feels like hell.  I find a spot in the back, it’s going to be fine.  I lay out my mat, sit on the floor and wait.  As I wait I watch everyone around me - people of all shapes and sizes, ethnicities, and ages.  Hey, if everyone else can do this - so can I.  Right?

The instructor walks in and class begins.  We stand up and begin our poses and stretches…think positive, I can do this. 

15 minutes in and my face is wet.  This isn’t easy like I thought it would be.
30 minutes in and my shirt is wet.  How can she do that with her legs?
45 minutes in and my shirt is off.  I think I’m close to death, I need to sit down.
60 minutes in and I think I could pass out this very second.  Can you leave in the middle of class?
Oh my God, finally, we’re starting to slow down.  How can one person sweat so much?
75 minutes in and I’m getting a headache, but somehow I’m enjoying this.
90 minutes is up.  Class is over and I’m shocked that I didn’t die or at a very minimum pass out.

Am I a masochist?  I loved it!  Is that normal?  I am coming back tomorrow - IF I can get out of bed in the morning.

 I’ve spent my whole life indecisive.  Where do you want to eat?  I don’t know.  What do you want for your birthday?  Name one thing, are you kidding me?  Which pair of shoes do you like better?  I want both.

When I read, “Allow your dreams  a place in your prayers and plans,” a partial excerpt on my quote of the day calendar, I thought, how is that possible?  I couldn’t even pick a major in college. 

Yes, yes, I know - everyone goes through that.  But I’ve never stopped; it began with Advertising/PR, Broadcast Journalism, Fashion Merchandising, then a break.  Now what?  It started again, and ended with an Accounting degree.  Mid-business school, I wanted to go to cosmetology school and momentarily, culinary school.  Obviously, my wants were all over the board. 

In a perfect world, I’d be able to be a hair stylist (and the owner of my spa/salon), a journalist, a pastry chef, and a CPA - in that order.  However, I am less than halfway towards my CPA and the others are so far off in my life plan that I often fear I won’t be able to experience anything else. 

My question is, how do you allow your dreams a place when there are just too many?  Can you have too many dreams?  Which dreams should you put first?  Should it be the ones you’re closest to achieving, or should it be the ones that would make you the happiest?

In the meantime I will do what I do, take it one day at a time, and hope that in time I can fulfill my dream(s) -

My heart is hardened, my eyes are dry.
My will exhausted, my smile…I try.
My life I left, my hopes were in you,
My faith, my heart, you crushed into -
Into pieces - still to be found - this whirlwind you sent me spinning ’round.

For unknown reasons, you remain in my mind;
But when I look deeper, I loathe what I find.

You left me with nothing but doubt and no clue -
No idea what went wrong, or where he was - he who I thought I had found in you.

Promises to which my world would be right,
Comforted by your voice every night.

Only to turn and look the other way,
When I was broken, when I cried, all you could say:

“It could’ve been different, it happened so fast.”
How dare you put on me, what you caused - I have realized, at last…

You’re a chapter in my life I want to leave out;
What I need and who I am, you know nothing about.

However, who you are, is also unknown to me;
You lied and betrayed me, when I chose not to see.

It’s still unclear why you were put in my heart;
Maybe it was a test I failed from the start.

12.30.06

In hopes for some remarkable experience, we venture into downtown.  Hair perfect, lip gloss shining, clutch in hand - off we were to our favorite bar.  In college, this territory was our stomping grounds.  Now, a bit older, shall we?  Why yes, we shall.

The place is a bit empty at first and we make a few laps around the area; we are feeling pretty good about ourselves and I don’t think we are wrong judging from the glances.  I’ll take it.

First drink:  Jack and Diet Coke.  Yes, Jack.  Our beverage of choice; and thank you Mr. Bartender for pouring a hearty one.  We’re about as girlie as you can get, but when it comes to the chick drinks - you can keep ‘em.  Being that that the bartender rembers us, we are also welcomed by some concoction in shot form.  I think tonight is going to be a good night.

As we cruise the perimeter, we people watch.  What the hell is she wearing?  Why does that pedophile-esque looking guy keep giving me the ’I'm trying to be sexy but I actually look creepy’ glance?  And as it is at every bar, there is the signature old man sitting by himself in hopes some pretty young thing will pay him some attention.

We’ve requested our favorite songs from the DJ - and being that he’s hot it makes it easier to get our flirt on, in turn getting the songs we want.  We move out to the dance floor to show how fabulous we are. 

Later on, I spy two girlfriends coming in.  We all dance, drink, check out the eye candy, and celebrate ‘funness’ in our late twenties, and some of us, thirties.  I am approached by a very young man - attractive, but young.  He asks me if I go to the local university, and I tell him, “I did.”  He says to me, “what happened?”  ha ha ha.  I respond with a smirk and, “I graduated.”  He looked shocked, and I told him I was too old for him; then I smiled and walked away.

The question crossed my mind - am I too old to be here?  Was this supposed to be out of my system already?  It’s not…

A partial excerpt from the quote of the day, “…you already have all you need.”  Do I, really?

 I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.  I have always wished I were craving something less; living a simple life with simple things - it just isn’t in me. 

From a young age I have always wanted more - more toys.  As I matured it turned into more clothes, more accessories, more purses, more shoes…and it progresses into more spa treatments, more trips to Vegas, more nice dinners; when does it end?

Is it wrong to enjoy the amenities in life?  At times, I feel guilty…but I have learned to push guilt under the rug.  I feel that if my wants are within reason (which varies from person to person) then its OK.

Maybe one day I will throw all of my fabulous goods in the garage sale pile, quit reading my US Weekly and comparing myself to Posh Spice, and stop daydreaming the that paparazzi are outside in my front yard waiting for me to leave the house.  Maybe.  However, I find it highly unlikely.

Initially my excitement had come as everyone elses stories unfolded…and when my turn approached, my gut sank.  This wasn’t my first time…nor would it be my last.  I felt a bit vulnerable and stared at her with anticipation…what revelation would she reveal to me; in front of my closest friends, nonetheless?

 As we took turns around the table - I thought to myself, “what the hell is wrong with me?” 

I went last in hopes of hearing some profound news that would knock my socks off.  This was it.  Tonight was the night I was going to figure out my life!

It was over so quickly - I desperately wanted another 15 minutes.  All I could think about was how if I just knew what was supposed to happen, I could fix what actually was happening.  Follow my heart?  Follow my karmatic journey?  Was my lesson learned?  HELP!

In the end, I was only filled with more questions - but had to find peace in the thought that I had great energy and was surrounded by love.  That’s all you need, right? 

It’s become an addiction…a need.  I need to hear what I’m supposed to do.  I need someone to tell me what decisions I am supposed to make.  Don’t I? 

Tears…laughter…best friends…15 minutes each, we’ll all be back for more.  Thank you, Ana.